I just want a place

I know, it’s been a while.  Pretty much ages.  Not sure why I haven’t blogged exactly, just haven’t really felt up to it.  Haven’t had too much to blog about.

But now, I feel like I need to blog, because I have that feeling that I sometimes get.  That feeling where I feel absolutely positively alone.

I’m aware there are people there for me, people who care about me, and whatever.  But it’s not quite the same, there are still plenty of things that I feel like I am just simply missing.  Things that without having them, I’m not sure I can really move on, continue growing, and developing, or whatever.

Personally, I feel like my parents have failed me with their responsibility as parents.  It would be different if they treated me with a true degree of respect, however they would rather spend their time bitching and groaning.  It would be different if they actually did things for me that I couldn’t do myself, I have them do those kind of things just so there’s something they actually have to do.  So they have to think about me.

Take dear mother for example:  She cooks, she washes clothes, and…My goodness, wait, is that all?  Oh yes, and occasionally she gives me money.  What has she done for me as a parent?  I’m honestly not sure.  She hasn’t actually taught me any valuable lessons that I can recall, I honestly can’t think of anything.  at all.

Then there’s dad, a pathetic little drunk.  and he has the nerves to attempt to YELL at me, when we’ve never even had a conversation.  Not a real conversation.  I have to make myself talk to him “so he won’t feel unloved” or some bullshit mom occasionally tells me.

What have I learned from the two of them as a whole?  Don’t be a fucking coward, and don’t betray my children.  Whenever I have kids, I should actually be involved, act as though I care for them, instead of just buying them stuff or whatever.  I would have to think, the most direct affection I’ve received from either of them is when I was in the hospital.  Even then, I don’t recall either of them being extremely distraught or worried.  Basically, I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.  I honestly don’t understand why I’m still living in this house aside from the whole blah blah haven’t finished high school blah blah blah thing.  I’m not half as dependent as they would like to think I am.  I’m intelligent enouh that if I left, I would be fine.

Aside from the whole “lonliness” thing, the lack of a relationship is taking it’s toll on me.  I know, people say you don’t need a girlfriend, and generally it’s more drama than it’s worth anyways, but it’s honestly not like that for me.  I need someone I can lay with and hold, and someone that can hold me the same way if I need someone like I do now.  I know, I have a great friend who’s more than willing to do that, but it’s still not quite the same, because she has a boyfriend of her own, and even if she didn’t, we wouldn’t be together.  Then there are all those other girls, deceitful little creatures, who appear to be affectionate towards me, and have feelings towards me despite being in a relationship with some one else.  That doesn’t even make sense, not to me anyways.  I mean, it’s nice, but it really isn’t helping me.

Because those girls can’t actually take care of me either, because they’re busy with their boyfriends or whatever reason.  On top of that, I need someone with a family that’s actually willing to care for me, and give me real support.  I’m willing to have people see how weak I truly am if I just had people to take care of me.  It kills me being as alone as I’ve felt recently.  That’s why I try to get out so much, stay away from this bedroom of mine as much as possible, spend time with other people as much as possible, just so I don’t really get a chance to think.Because when I do, that’s when everything falls apart.

When I realize that most of the time I spend is me simply lying to myself, pretending to be more comfortable with things than I actually am.  I would sell my soul to not feel the way I’ve been feeling as of late, I really would.

But on the brighter things, hopefully I’ll have a job soon, I’ll keep you guys updated on that shortly. Meanwhile, I’m out of here, basically, something happened, made me very upset, and I wanted to get out of the house, but didn’t have enough composure to leave just yet, but now I’m feeling fine so I’m going to go to my happy place and read.

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~ by myronj906 on June 21, 2008.